I am learning to be a wrestler. (Possibly a shocking statement since recently I told you all that I am taking a ballet class).
Fortunately for my face the things I wrestle with are generally not solid or tangible. They are the things I used to hold tightly in a closed hand with the false notion that if I kept them in my balled up fist they would never change.
Some of these things were my plans and the notion that they would all be perfectly executed without interruption. (What did I think motherhood would be like if not a series of mostly enthusiastic interruptions.) I am learning to bend with the ways that my days don’t work out as I think they will.[bctt tweet=”I am learning to bend with the ways that my days don’t work out as I think they will.”]
Throwing my arms open and releasing God and the universe from the box I was keeping them in causes me to find freedom I didn’t know was possible. It was a big box. Like way bigger than the refrigerator boxes that my children build play houses out of. I thought there was plenty of room in there to hold all of the things I “knew” God to be and all of my firm thoughts about how life works. There probably was, if I wanted to continue to have my head buried in the sand. (Really who wants that! Have you ever had sand in your eyes, nose and teeth all at the same time! Ridiculously irritating.)
If my theology never changes then I can drift along on a cloud of false certainty. I can feel sure that I know how this world works and how I should be working in it.
Alas change is inevitable. In fact by the time you have finished drinking your cuppa wonderful and reading this blog post, you will not be the same person as when you started. Something about you will have changed.
I find this fact both unsettling and comforting.
How am I supposed to “find out who I am” if I am in the process of constant evolution? I understand that it is usually ever so subtle, but the truth remains, something I learned to embrace and accept about myself yesterday may not be the same tomorrow. How can I be certain what parts of me are everlasting? Are there any parts of me that are everlasting?
On the other hand, how thrilling to know that I am in constant change. I’m not stuck where I am. There is a whole array of ideas to explore that will form and shape my thoughts and attitudes in new and better ways. If change is really unavoidable then the least we can do is try to become comfortable with it. You know in the awful, stretching, sometimes painful, uncomfortable way change tends to present itself to us.
On the other hand (Oh yes I have many many hands my friend). Change terrifies me. Once it happens you can never go back. You can not unlearn what you now know. You can not unsee what you have already seen. Change can not be undone.[bctt tweet=”You can not unsee what you have already seen. Change can not be undone.”]
I believe that hearts break in order to have them softened. The breaking is painful, the change is sometimes close to unbearable, but if feels necessary. Without our own suffering we can not understand the suffering of others and love effectively. Maybe I will come across some study later on that tells me I’m wrong and I will wrestle with that.
I am learning to embrace change. Right now that looks like reminding myself that I am not in charge and the great big wide universe was not created to bend to my whim and fancy.
There is freedom and terror in opening up my hands to God and seeing what He makes of my offerings.
What are you wrestling with right now? Are there changes that you’re working hard to embrace?
Linking this up with Sarah Bessey’s Out of Sorts Synchroblog.